It’s time for another silly season look at the odd, thought-provoking, and just plain barmy search terms used to get to the blog. Some are autocorrections gone wrong, others are typos or the vagaries of Google Translate, but there seem to be some genuinely confused people wandering around the Internet. I’ve tidied searches up with some basic punctuation for easier reading, and corrected spelling errors unless they provided some amusement.

AUSSIE, AUSSIE, AUSSIE

Is Australia a country?
Yes. So glad that’s cleared up.

W.A. is the best f*** the rest Australia Australia map
If you put this into Google Maps (with the asterisks filled out in full), it suggests you see a therapist. At least it did for me.

Bongs Baby Search
Contest winners: Bud and Mary-Jane.

Jewish roots of Australian Aboriginal tribes
The lost tribes of Israel didn’t get that lost.

Australian Aborigines are the true Indians from India [searched for many times]
That’s going to make the land rights issue a whole lot more complicated.

Did Abel Tasman change his name to Tasman because he discovered Tasmania?
Yes, then Captain Cook changed his name to Cook after discovering the Cook Islands.

Did Abel Tasman have a daughter named Tasmania/Did Abel Tasman name Tasmania after his daughter? [searched for many times]
No, Tasmania Tasman sounds really awkward.

Why do Australians add the word “did” after a girl’s name, as in Katie-did?
We do what now?

FAMOUS FOLK

Prince William’s baby should be called Prince Alfred Edmund William [several months after Prince George’s birth]
It’s probably time to let go. Maybe they’ll listen to you next time.

What is Hank Marvin’s home address?
Stalker.

How is Wendy Harmer married?
Um … legally?

Pictures of Liz Ellis and her son Evelyn Audrey
I can understand thinking Evelyn might be a boy – but Evelyn Audrey?

Was the actress Grace Kelly related to the bushranger Ned Kelly?
I would guess, not closely.

Was Banjo Paterson a Templar?
No, a solicitor and tax reformist, which sounds slightly less exciting.

My civil partner’s name is Rupert Grint and mine is Danny Driscoll – what surname do we use?
I’m more interested to discover the actor Rupert Grint is in a civil partnership with a fictional gangster from Only Fools and Horses. The mind is boggling.

Was Liberace gay?
Yes, and to anticipate your next question, bears go to the lavatory in the woods.

NAME-O-RAMA

I regret naming my son Hamish, and call him James instead
I’m not kidding, somebody Googles a variant of this question about sixty times a week. Either there’s a whole bunch of Hamishes called James, or someone needs to get a new hobby.

Tomboy baby names like Rose, Lily, Daisy, Violet
Flipping heck, those are tomboy names?

Common names in rare use
That’s the Holy Grail of baby naming right there.

The truth about calling your son Ryder
The truth is, his name will be Ryder.

Do people look at your kid’s names funny?
No – but now we’re all interested to know what yours are called.

How to convince girls named Naomi to go out with you
I think it’s basically the same method as for girls with other names.

“Worst name ever” – Ian
Forget Hitler, Satan, or Laxative, Ian is the worst baby name in history!

Is Mary and Matilda the same name in Sweden?
No, and in no other country either.

Oliver cannot marry Olivia
Why ever not?

HORRID HISTORY

The origin of death
Someone died, and it caught on.

Medieval newspaper article of the battle of Hastings
They don’t seem to have produced one – just a tapestry. Slack!

What was the dress code for Arabs and Hebrews during the Biblical era?
Smart casual.

Why are English monarchs ugly?
Gosh, that’s jolly rude.

LOOPY LITERATURE

Children’s book with hippo eating more humans than sharks
Should be required bedtime reading for every four-year-old.

Romeo, Dan, Juliet
The little known Shakespearean love triangle.

Some good frictionless stories of Shakespeare
Because nobody wants stories that give you chafing.

Was Frankenstein’s wife’s name unisex?
Only if you consider Elizabeth a unisex name.

The poetry of Ben Jo Peterson
He just never had the fame of Banjo Paterson.

STRANGE SCIENCE

Blonde women love autumn
So brunetttes must love spring, redheads love winter, and bald people love summer.

600 year old dead body gave birth to baby, and the baby stayed alive about 72 hours
Eww. I’m pretty sure this didn’t happen.

Miserable heavenly body discovered
The science news we never hear about.

Budgies sound like they’re talking Welsh
Ours just make chirpy noises.

Cicadas are all homosexual
I think the cicada population would be a lot lower by now if that was true.

SPIRITUAL STUMPERS

What are some signs the American occult have used musicians and football players?
Minimal, if any.

99% accurate psychic – free
Even ones that are 38% accurate aren’t free.

Mythical Christmas sweater for Catholic children made by their mother
My mother never made me one, probably because it was 110 in the shade at Christmas.

“The holy Christmas dwarf”
The Yuletide yarn we never hear about.

I sense souls who are licensed to answer
This sounds a bit like a movie I saw.

Can a baby be born with 2 souls?
That’s very deep, which is another way of saying I have no idea.

INFORMATION, PLEASE

Baby Ruby, Adelaide. Cash only.
I hope you’ve been arrested by now.

Velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on
The art news we never hear about.

Where can I buy German animated Easter cards which are baby announcements?
There’s clearly a market for German-speakers who happen to have their baby at Easter, and want to announce that fact in animated greeting card form. Please consider developing this exciting business concept.

How to announce baby’s birth in Australia slang?
Strewth cobbers, we’ve dropped a sprog, so it’s my shout.

Need a Victorian style cursed wedding dress
Wanting to get your marriage off on the right foot, huh?

Groan grunt growl grumpy grumble exercises
Yep that’s how I sound when I exercise.

Old English movie in which a magical necklace converts heroin
What does the necklace convert the heroin into – tea and scones?

What is the movie name where the woman had a daughter and she got married and she died of cancer after giving birth to a little boy?
One of the classic chick flick plots. The other two are: Boy and girl fall in love then one dies of cancer, and Female friends discover cancer is a catalyst for bonding, empowerment.

SEX SELLS

Intercourse while waltzing
That never happened in any of my dance classes. I feel ripped off.

Lucy is a stripper at Players on the Gold Coast. What’s her real name?
If Lucy is her stripper name, I’m guessing her real name is Destinee Bunny-Starr.

How can I find strippers ‘n’ escorts in Emerald area, Qld?
Yellow Pages.

Australian girls named Lola – they have sexy hips, Facebook page?
I don’t think either can be guaranteed.

WHAT ARE THEY ON ABOUT?

Any Madison eating girls? Far angry sex with boy.

Quick Siobhan, your knickers, your mother is coming

What means: Australian bond named Dingo?

Aboriginal name meaning “aupprice shock”

List agent Greek names that is not used in space, less than 16 characters