Tag Archives: compromising on baby names

Celebrity Baby News: Football Babies

17 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by in Celebrity Baby News

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Rugby union player Sonny Bill Williams, and his wife Alana Raffie, welcomed their daughter Imaan on November 18 last year. Sonny Bill is a New Zealander from a sporting family who has played rugby in both France and New Zealand, and is signed with the Chiefs for this season. He also plays for the national side, and is the first Muslim to play for the All Blacks, having converted to Islam in 2008. He is also a heavyweight boxer, taking up the sport in 2009; he will fight American Chauncy Welliver in Sydey at the end of the month. Sonny Bill has lived in Australia and played rugby league for the Bulldogs and the Roosters, so he has a high profile here, and his wife Alana, a former dancer, is an Australian of South African heritage. The couple met through Facebook in June 2013, and were married six weeks later. Apparently Alana liked the name Armani (meaning “faith”), and Sonny Bill was keen on Eman (meaning “safety”); Imaan seems to be a good compromise, because it sounds like dad’s choice, and has the same meaning as mum’s choice.

Australian rules footballer Shane Savage, and his partner Sarah, welcomed their son Jett Isaac on January 6. Shane began his career at Hawthorn in 2009, and since last year has been signed with St Kilda. Originally from New Zealand, he moved to Australia as a child.

(Photo shows Alana and Sonny Bill)

How Do You Resolve Baby Name Disagreements?

31 Saturday May 2014

Posted by in Naming Assistance

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Couple arguing

Scarlett and Toby have a baby daughter, and it took them eight weeks after her birth to choose the name (they went a little over the deadline for registration). It was a very stressful process and they disagreed on basically everything. Part of the problem was that they waited until she was born to choose the name beause they were convinced they were having a boy, so they weren’t prepared with girls’ names. Then everybody else seemed to have an opinion on what name they should choose, and that made it harder to decide, rather than easier.

Eventually they managed to compromise on a name, but Scarlett was unhappy that her favourite girl’s name couldn’t be used. She feels that choosing a baby name is often portrayed as one that’s fair and equal, with the parents choosing a name together they both really love, but she knows from her own experience that this isn’t always the case.

Scarlett would like to know which parent should have the final say on the baby’s name in cases where there is clear disagreement. During the time that she and Toby were arguing over their daughter’s name, often in front of other people, she was told many times, by both men and women, that the mother should have the final choice.

After all, the mother has carried the baby for nine months and birthed it (no small task!), will probably be doing the majority of child care, and therefore using the name more frequently. Scarlett is aware this isn’t how everyone’s family situation works, but it’s the reality of her life, and of most women she knows.

Then again, Scarlett wonders how important this is when being a baby and child is such a small part of a person’s life, and their name should really be for their adulthood and old age, not their few years of childhood growing up with mum and dad.

Scarlett wonders what couples should do if they can’t reach an agreement. Does one choose the first name and the other the middle name, then reverse for the next child? Would it be a bad idea to pick the name out of a hat and let fate decide? In other words, is there a simple rule to be followed that can eliminate arguments?

* * * * * * * * * *

You’ve asked the $64 000 question there, Scarlett (or the $600 000 one, allowing for inflation and currency conversion). And the short answer is that no, there is no standard rule to be followed to decide who gets to make the final decision in naming disputes.

As you’ve discovered, many people subscribe to the idea that the mother should get to make the final choice, due to her unique role in pregnancy and childbirth, and historic tendency to be more involved with childcare. I’m not completely convinced by it, because it seems as if you could make a case to say that since the father is so left out of the pregnancy/birth/childcare, the least you could do is let him name the baby.

I know some men say that since they are the ones most likely to be making the greater economic contribution, and for a lot longer than nine months, the father should get more of a say (I’m not convinced by that argument either – apart from anything else, you shouldn’t get to buy your child’s name).

I’m uncomfortable with the whole idea of “mum chooses” or “dad chooses”, because it seems to be setting the parents up as antagonists, with one of them the victorious winner, and the other the despondent loser. As you’ve found, the stress of the baby naming process can bring on quite enough conflict as it is without creating a system that pits you against each other.

Ideally, you should work together to come up with a system that reduces the amount of conflict you have, and facilitates open communication. I think already you’ve learned a few things that you won’t do again that will make it easier in the future.

You know now to start the baby naming process well before you give birth, and to make sure you have a list for both boys and girls names, and not to let other people get involved in your baby name arguments. As you’ve found out, no matter how well meaning your friends and relatives are, they rarely prove helpful, and can often just confuse things further.

If you reach a point where you just flat out disagree on what the name should be, then there isn’t one single option which will suit everyone, and it’s up to the two of you to negotiate on an outcome which suits you best (or you dislike the least).

It might work out for one of you to choose the first name and the other the middle name, but there could also be problems with it too. What if mum wants the name Gemma and dad wants Emma – how happy would you be with Gemma Emma? Or if there’s a severe style mis-match, could you live with Doris Mikailyah? And if you swap the next time around, will your children’s names sound a bit odd together if you have a Harper and a Demetrius? And what if you end up having only one child?

Choosing a name out of a hat sounds like it might work better if you both agreed on several names, liked them all fairly equally, and just couldn’t pick between them. If you actually dislike each other’s name choices, I can imagine it might be quite a blow to have a name you really loathe forced on you by a hat. I think you’d have to come up with some rules, such as vetoeing in advance anything you really hated.

Compromising on the name, as you and Toby did, can work out well. They say the sign of a good compromise is that both people are unhappy with the result, but that’s not good enough for your child’s name – you both need to be happy with the name you choose. You might have a pang of disappointment that your favourite name didn’t make it, but the chosen name should be one that you both like and can imagine using for the rest of your lives.

The important thing is that you see yourselves as a team working towards the same goal: a great name for your child. But in the end, how you go about it is whatever works for you and Toby. Nobody can tell you how to choose a baby name – there’s no right or wrong way.

Readers, what do you think is the best way to resolve differences when it comes to baby names? And what methods have you used successfully?

POLL RESULT: A clear majority (69%) thought that if parents didn’t agree on the baby’s name, they should resolve their differences and reach a compromise together. However, a significant minority (18%) believed that in the case of a baby name deadlock, the mother’s choice should take precedence. In contrast, just 2% of people thought that the father’s choice should be used to break a deadlock. In fact, Dad getting to choose the name fared worse than blind chance, with 7% voting for a coin toss or the name being pulled from a hat. 4% were in favour of a trusted outsider, such as a grandparent, best friend, or family adviser (perhaps a minister of religion) being given the responsibility of choosing the name – quite eye-opening that this was twice as popular as the father getting to choose the name. Nobody thought that complete strangers should be entrusted with choosing the baby name, with online polls and radio phone-ins completely rejected as options.

She Says Clara, He Says Zara: Can You Help This Couple Resolve Their Baby Naming Differences?

18 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by in Naming Assistance

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Kate and her husband Steve are expecting their second child in late January next year. Although it may seem they have plenty of time, they are currently at a stalemate when agreeing upon names for a baby of either sex.

They had these naming issues with their first child as well. They continued discussing and arguing over it for eight months of Kate’s pregnancy, and chose their daughter’s name while actually in the hospital. Feeling pressured by family expectations that they choose a name immediately, and with her husband refusing to back down, Kate agreed to Steve’s choice, which was Madeline – a name that he loved, and would consider nothing else. The middle name was a family one from Kate’s mother’s side given to all first-born daughters.

Although Kate is fond of her daughter’s name, it was not her first choice, and this time she really wants the baby’s name to be something that she loves. Steve is willing to let her choose whatever name she likes – providing that he doesn’t hate it. The problem is, Steve seems to hate most of Kate’s favourite names. She is getting frustrated that he seems to be vetoing almost every name she suggests, while not making many suggestions of his own.

Names for Girls Considered

  • Kate’s favourite names for girls are Clementine, Olive, Ivy, Mabel, May, Nell, Lillian, Clara, Maeve, Dorothy, and Eloise. Steve detests all of these, but least dislikes May and Eloise.
  • Steve has expressed a preference for Kayla, Eleni, Lani, or Zara. Kate dislikes these names, with the exception of Zara, which she can just tolerate.
  • Neither of them has a preference for a middle name, and they don’t really mind what it is.

Names for Boys Considered

  • Kate’s favourite names for boys are Henry, Flynn, Hugo, Sullivan, Oscar and Archie. Steve hates the name Henry, and doesn’t mind Sullivan or Archie, but isn’t thrilled about them either.
  • Steve hasn’t made any serious suggestions for boy’s names, but has mentioned Lachlan and Noah. Kate doesn’t dislike either name, but does feel that Top 10 is a bit too popular to consider.
  • They both like the names Jack and William – alas, everybody else seems to as well! If only Jack or William were Top 50 rather than Top 5, these would be their choices.
  • The middle name will be either John or Timothy, which both honour much loved family members. They will go with whatever middle name fits best with the name they eventually choose.

Kate and Steve’s surname begins with H and ends with -er.

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Kate, if it’s any consolation to you, your baby name problems are ones that many couples share. The most common complaint I hear from women is that they suggest name after name, and their other half rejects all of them, yet doesn’t seem to contribute many ideas of his own.

I think the situation with your daughter’s name isn’t that unusual either – while women often seem to have at least a dozen “favourite names”, if men have any at all, it’s often only one. With just one egg in their basket, they can be prepared to fight for it, and in this case, it seems as if Steve did fight for his favourite, and prevailed.

I think it’s lovely for a little girl to have a name chosen by her daddy, and her middle name is from your side of the family, so her name connects her to both of you. You can take heart that despite all your disagreements, you actually did a good job together, which means you’ll probably do a good job again. It was generous of you to agree to your husband’s choice on the very first baby – I’m not certain most wives would have done that.

It seems obvious that since Steve picked the first name, it’s only fair that it should be your turn to pick the second. Yet to be equally fair, Steve picked a name that you may not have loved, but are fond of – he didn’t force you to accept a name that you hated. And that’s the sticking point. Steve didn’t have to compromise on the name that he loved, but you may have to. Or else Steve will have to compromise this time around, which is something for you to negotiate together.

Another thing you might want to consider is that it can be harder choosing the second name, because you already have a child, and may want a name that goes well with hers. I know some people aren’t bothered by sibsets going together, so if you are one of them, just ignore this bit.

If you want a name that doesn’t clash with Madeline, or seem too matchy, there’s probably already a couple of names on both your lists that could be crossed off. I love the name Clementine, but I think it’s too matchy with Madeline because they almost rhyme, while to me, Eleni and Madeline is a style clash.

It seems it would be easier for you both to compromise on a girl’s name, since Steve has already picked his one favourite name, and should be more flexible this time around.

Possible Compromises

  • Since the girl’s middle name spot is vacant, you choose the name, and Steve picks the middle name. Dorothy Lani may sound a slightly odd combination, but big deal, you’d have a baby name chosen by both of you.
  • You use the two names of yours that Steve hates least, and call the baby Eloise May.
  • You use two names from each of your lists you least dislike, and call her Eloise Zara.
  • You combine the sounds of names from your list with ones from Steve’s list to make names that sound similar to both. For example: Olive + Kayla = Livia. Eleni + Clementine = Elaine. Dorothy + Zara = Daria. Lani + Eloise = Louise. And so on.
  • You choose a name that you like, but only if Steve is able to make a nickname from it that he likes eg Eloise nn Lulu, Olive nn Liv.

With boy’s names, it almost seems as if you are getting close to the right name. Steve has only completely vetoed Henry, and you’ve actually agreed on several names, only to be put off by the popularity. I think it’s just a matter of finding names in a similar style you both like, that aren’t in the Top 10. Or you may decide that a Top 10 name isn’t so bad after all – William has never left the Top 50 in 111 years, so it’s more of a perennial favourite than a trendy popular .

Once you’ve got a little list of possible names together, see which ones sound best with Madeline, with the chosen middle names, and with your surname. Out of what you’ve got so far, my pick would be Archie John.

If it was up to me, I’d say Eloise May for a girl, and Archie John for boy (or else William). But you didn’t write to me so I’d pick your baby name, you wrote to me for suggestions of names that I think both you and Steve might like. So here goes:

GIRLS

What I noticed you and Steve had in common was you both tended to like quite popular names, or names coming (back) into popularity. You also both preferred girl’s names that were recognisably feminine, but not particularly frilly. I tried to think of names that fit these criteria, and also seemed to make a nice match with Madeline’s name, while not sounding too awful with your surname. I also tried to pick names that were easy to make contemporary-sounding nicknames from, in case the nickname pleased more than the name itself.

It’s hard to find a perfect compromise between retro names and modern ones, so I concentrated on names that have never gone out of fashion, ones that are coming back into fashion, and modern classics. There’s a couple of wildcards thrown in, just on the off-chance!

  • Audrey
  • Cassandra
  • Cecily
  • Claudia
  • Daphne
  • Eleanor
  • Eloise (the one on your list your husband least hated, and goes best with Madeline)
  • Emmeline
  • Evelyn
  • Florence
  • Genevieve
  • Isobel
  • Josephine
  • Leila
  • Louisa
  • Lucia
  • Natalie
  • Penelope
  • Rosalie
  • Rose
  • Saskia
  • Sophia
  • Susannah
  • Victoria
  • Violet

BOYS

It felt like boys names were one you would have an easier time agreeding with, as you each identified certain groups of names that you either liked, or could live with.

Timeless classics, like Jack and William

  • Charles
  • Edward
  • George
  • James
  • Nicholas

Retro names like Archie

  • Austin
  • Felix
  • Frederick
  • Leo
  • Rex

Scottish names like Lachlan

  • Angus
  • Callum
  • Duncan
  • Lennox
  • Logan

Irish surnames like Sullivan

  • Cassidy
  • Quinn
  • Rafferty
  • Rowan
  • Tully

Simple Old Testament names like Noah

  • Abel
  • Ezra
  • Jude
  • Micah
  • Reuben

Homework for Kate and Steve:

I’d be very surprised if you read through this and said, Oh yes of course, Genevieve for a girl and Felix for a boy, that’s perfect. These lists are just for window-shopping, and for trying out names, so you can identify and narrow down what you both like and dislike. Don’t make a decision just yet, it’s far too early. Give yourselves more time to think things through, and keep trying out names. When the time’s right, I’m sure the perfect one will fit into place.

If you still feel stuck in early November, please write in again with your new improved name lists, and we’ll have another go. And whatever happens, don’t let yourselves be railroaded into a decision at the hospital again – you’ve got 60 days after the birth to pick a name, and there’s nothing wrong with taking the baby home with you before naming it. Absolutely no need to rush or panic!

Readers, what do you think is a fair system for Kate and Steve to compromise on choosing a baby name? And what names would you suggest to them?

NOTE: The baby’s name is Lewis John!