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Australian Aboriginal names, Bonds Baby Search, honouring, Indian names, locational names, Macquarie Aboriginal Words, middle names, name advice, name history, name meaning, nicknames, slang terms, surname names, unisex names
I recently received an e-mail from a father-to-be and blog-reader named Gabriel; technically I’m still on holiday, but this was urgent enough to bring me back early!
Gabriel and his wife Theresa are expecting a baby boy in only two weeks; unfortunately, the name they have picked out has met with a cool reception from family and friends.
The couple first met on Bondi Beach, and, like many Australians living near the coast, are strongly drawn to the ocean, which is cleansing and refreshing, and for a city-dweller especially, washes away the fatigue that comes from modern life. They want a name with a meaning connected to the beach and the sea. They are also very keen to use an Aboriginal Australian word for a name, feeling that this is a perfect way to honour their homeland.
They immediately fell in love with the idea of using Daku as a name. This is a name given to boys meaning “sand”, and apparently it is from one of the languages of north-west Western Australia. Not only did they love the sound of it, but the meaning seemed ideal. Not only did they meet and fall in love at the beach, but sand itself conveys the power of water, which gradually over millions of years wears down great rocks and boulders into fine grains. It therefore holds connotations of patience and persistence – qualities which they hope their son will learn to possess.
When they shared their choice with family and friends, others saw the name quite differently, and thought it was a choice which would lead to teasing. Basically their objections amounted to this:
- Daku might be okay for a boy growing up in a hippie commune, but isn’t suitable for one growing up in a big city
- It sounds like the phrase “dack you” – which in Australian slang, means that you are pulling someone’s pants down in a playful or spiteful manner
- Daku is an Indian girl’s name, which could cause confusion further down the line
- In Portuguese, daku is supposedly some sort of unsavoury slang (or maybe sounds similar to it)
Their families would much prefer a name which is clearly European and Christian – something along the lines of John, Paul, Daniel, or Xavier.
Gabriel and Theresa now have a dilemma on their hands: do they ignore everything their families and friends say and follow their hearts, or do they choose another name which will cause less controversy? With only a couple of weeks to go, they are starting to get a little stressed over it.
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Everyone has a particular bias in a debate, and I should declare mine straight away. I believe that it is the parents who get to choose their child’s name, not extended family, relatives, friends, or well-wishers.
I believe that loved ones have a perfect right to their own opinion, they have the right to (politely) make suggestions and share their concerns before the birth, and they have the right to be listened to respectfully. However, the final decision must lie with the parents.
Now you could take your story onto any name forum, and you will be able to find at least a dozen people who will advise you to just tell your family to butt out, shut up, and mind their own business in no uncertain terms, then move interstate so you don’t have to deal with them ever again. It’s easy advice to give, but I’m not sure it’s necessarily the best advice to follow.
For a start, obviously you love your family and don’t want to alienate them or cause a big family drama just as a baby is about to born and you need support more than ever. Second, occasionally the objections that family and friends offer have some validity, or make some sense. If you were planning to name your child Freddie Hoff or Penelope Ophelia Overton, a friendly hint might help you realise the mistake you were about to make. At the very least, they give you a taste of how others might see that name, and what response it could get. It’s better to have that information in advance.
As far as I can see, these are the choices the two of you have before you:
1. Go ahead with your original plan, and name your son Daku
Pros: You son will receive a name that you both love, and love hearing – moreover, a name which is a constant reminder of your love for each other. That’s incredibly special. You will have a wonderful story to share with your son when he asks, “Mum and dad, why did you call me Daku?” Maybe one day you can take him to Bondi and show him where his own unique life story and name story began, and when he hits a difficulty in life, perhaps you can show him the sand on the beach that he’s named after, and explain how it could only be made through the sea patiently grinding it down day after day, and never giving up.
Cons: Your family may not be happy with the choice you have made, or feel slighted that their dire warnings were not heeded. However, you have listened to everything they said and taken it on board, and you have also chosen his middle name, Rudolf, after Theresa’s father. You have pretty much already done your family duty. It’s not uncommon for family members to become reconciled or at least used to a “strange” name once they see it on their adorable grandson or nephew, and they may come up with their own pet name for him anyway.
I do feel that your family and friends have gone straight to the “worst case scenario” for the name, and some of their ideas are probably a little silly. I think Sydney is cosmopolitan enough to cope with the name Daku, and the slang issues seem a bit overboard to me.
“Dack you” is pretty dated slang now (although boys do seem to hang onto old slang more than girls), and in any case, most names sound a bit like something else. I find it hard to believe your son will suffer horribly because of his name, although naturally I can’t guarantee he will never be teased because of it. I must say that the name didn’t remind me of the phrase dack you.
The Portuguese slang term isn’t one I was able to find a reference to online, so doesn’t seem to be in general circulation. Unless you are planning to ship him to Portugal at some point, or you associate with many Portuguese people, perhaps this isn’t the big problem you fear.
Although Daku is a girl’s name in India, it’s a word and name used all over the world in many different cultures and in different contexts. In Japan it means “embrace, hug”; in Fiji it can mean “cousin”, and is also a place name; in Malay it means “I, me, myself”; in Hindi it can mean “bandit, pirate”; in Swahili it is related to the word “grasp, seize”; in ancient Sumerian it meant “executed”. It’s also a word in an invented language in the game World of Warcraft (no idea what it means).
When a word has this many meanings, it’s hard to get too worried if one or two are less pleasant than others. As well as a girl’s name, Daku is also a surname used all over the world, by people from a variety of ethnic backgrounds.
Realistically, what you will face with the name Daku is people not being sure how to spell it or stumbling over the pronunciation. When your son is very small, people may be unsure whether he’s a girl or a boy. People will say, “What an unusual name! Where does it come from?”.
I’m pretty sure once you explain it’s an Australian Aboriginal name meaning “sand”, 90% of people will just go, “Oh right then”. 10% will be interested enough to ask for more information (Most likely, “Do you have any Aboriginal heritage?” or “Why did you choose it?”). I do feel once they know the origin and meaning, most criticism they may have offered will be quashed.
I know that parents who have chosen unusual names find that although they do sometimes get some aggressive or rude comments, they also find many people who say, “Oh that’s a fantastic name”, “It’s so different”, “What a great meaning” and so on. It does tend to stick in people’s memories. You don’t usually get this kind of attention and enthusiasm if your child’s name is Daniel or John.
2. Please your family by choosing a standard European-style name
Pros: Your son will have a name that blends right in with everyone else’s. People will know how to say it and spell it. He won’t be questioned about his background or his name. His name will be in a style which fits in with his family and community.
I’d love to be able to say that your family will appreciate your sacrifice forever and shower you with praise and devotion, but they probably won’t. They may secretly despise you for giving in; they may resent you for resisting them until the last minute; they may figure that if you caved in on such a big issue, you will always cave in on smaller ones; some of them may still dislike the name you choose. They may forget all about the disagreements during the pregnancy, and in ten years will assume his name was always going to be Paul. If you try to remind them what a sacrifice you made, they may roll their eyes about the “big fuss” you keep making about it.
Cons: He will miss out on hearing that wonderful name story. When he asks, “Why did you name me Xavier?” you will say, “We did have another name picked out, but ended up going with something your grandma liked. The name we chose was meant to inspire you to always be persistent; ironically, we didn’t persist with the idea”.
3: Pick another name that is similar to Daku, but causes less family friction
You did say that if your son had been a girl, he would have been named Iluka, an Aboriginal word and place name said to mean “by the sea”.
You may not have realised this, but in Australia Iluka is generally accepted as a male name. It’s usually listed as a boy’s name in baby name books (although giving it to a girl would be fine). Because it sounds like the popular boy’s name Luca, it’s often taken as a native elaboration of that name, and is given the nicknames Luke or Lukey.
Iluka has a similar sound, origin and meaning to Daku, but it might be something your family could accept more readily, as it sounds like popular names Luca, Lucas and Luke, and has the same nicknames as them.
If you were worried about using a name you were reserving for a future sister, there are many, many pretty sea-oriented names for girls from Aboriginal languages.
If you were feeling very bold, you could give either a son or a daughter the name Bondi, which means “the sound of water breaking over rocks”. It’s one I saw given to a baby girl in the Bonds Baby Search, but seems unisex to me, and rare enough to be up for grabs by either gender.
The word used in the Sydney area for beach sand was marrang, and I’m afraid that’s all the beach-related Aboriginal words which sound like masculine names I can think of. I suggest that you buy a copy of Macquarie Aboriginal Words, which would make a useful reference tool.
I can’t make the choice for you, that is your privilege. I hope you at least feel a bit less stressed seeing your choices laid out in print with some possible outcomes attached.
Once your little boy arrives and is safely settled in, please please please let us know what you chose, and how it’s gone down with everyone on a real baby!
(Image of Bondi Beach from Beach Wiki)
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I have a daughter named Iluka. It is historically a female name 🙂
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Wow – thanks everyone for all of your encouragement and opinions … with the birth of our little boy just days away we are torn between deciding on Daku or choosing another name. The Portugese reference is our main sticking point at this time … otherwise we catch each other calling out Daku in reference to our little boy all the time!
Honestly, if you are already thinking of him as Daku and calling him that between yourselves, it sounds like you’ve already made your choice.
I’m not sure why the Portuguese thing is an issue – do you have a Portuguese brother-in-law, or a Portuguese best friend or something? If so, I think you’ll have to read them the riot act and make it clear that’s it not on for them to share this particular aspect of their culture!
Half of my father’s family are married to Brazilians 😦
I had a feeling in-laws were involved somewhere! I guess you have to be prepared to stand up for him, until he’s old enough to stand up for himself (and you’d be surprised how little kids can tell their relatives off).
Call the kid John. It’s not about the name, it’s about the child’s personality. Names don’t bestow personality and uniqueness, people do. Trying to find a unique name is like tattooing the child to try and give him a presence in the world.
I can tell you didn’t read the article, because not once does it say anything about wanting to give their child a “unique” name. In fact, if you’d bothered to read it, you’d see Daku isn’t unique at all, and is a name in use all over the world, for both genders, and as a surname as well as a first name, and a vocabulary word in several languages.
Abby from Appellation Mountain has read this story and commented on it: she thinks Daku doesn’t sound too weird, and fits in with current trends for boys, such as Lucas, Jake and Luke. Although the ending is a bit unusual, from research she quotes, it seems that what makes a name seem usable is if it sounds enough like popular names. She thinks Daku sounds enough like popular names to fit in.
nameberry.com/blog/the-nameberry-9-the-baby-name-generation-gap
use it
Short and sweet! 🙂
and it has a meaning to them
I think as a general principal that you shouldn’t pay too much attention to family opinions surrounding names – this is particularly true if said family are separated by a larger age gap. I have found that relatives often don’t understand that names have changed since they went to school! However you should remember that any questions that you get now about spelling/pronunciation etc will continue to be asked of your child for their whole life. If this is stressing you out over 9 months imagine 90 years of the same thing.
I do think that the reply is a little biased! It seems to me having a paragraph called pro’s and filling it with cons and vice versa is meant to sway opinion in a particular direction.
As for the actual name I don’t really have an opinion either way. The spelling seems to have an Asian feel so the aboriginal derivation suprised me but I’m not an expert in such things. It is certainly short and has a happy, jazzy feel to me. The dack-you reference seemed obvious to me as soon as I saw it and in fact was how I thought it would be pronounced
Iluka feels decidedly female to my ear due to the ‘a’ ending and other ‘Il’ names such as Ilsa and Ilke.
Well you got me on the Pros and Cons – it seemed so uncertain whether a Pro was really going to end well, or a Con badly!
I am DEFINITELY biased! My biases are:
– Parents get to choose their own baby names
– A name that is chosen meaningfully is better than one that just “sounds nice”
– A name that the parents love is better than one that everyone else loves
I don’t think it has anything to do with the name itself – the names that the families like are perfectly nice names, they just don’t happen to be what this couple wants.
Whichever name they decide on, I’m sure it will be a good choice, because they have really thought about it.
(Dack you is something my father would say! I’ve never heard anyone younger than about 50 say it, but I don’t live in Sydney.)
I think you should go with a name you love. I actually like Daku and love the significance behind it. I love ethnic names that have meaning. I immediately thought it was a male name. I don’t get a feminine vibe at all, though I am sure it is a legit female name in other languages, I know many Indians and I have never heard of the name Daku, so perhaps it is not even a common one. I wouldn’t worry about its usage in another culture. Many names appears across cultures sometimes as male or female names, mostly it is just coincidental.
It seems completely masculine to me as well, and I’m the same – never met any Indian women named Daku, although I know there are a couple of Indian celebrities with this name.
I read birth announcements regularly, and so far I haven’t ever seen someone with an obviously Indian surname name their baby daughter Daku either.
Well, I agree with you on every point you’ve made. I think they should go ahead and name their child what they want (not that my opinion counts, mind you). It’s not just an obscure, random name – it’s a name with meaning and wonderful connotations. I’m a bit behind on my Portuguese slang, but I don’t think it’s a problem. If the name is pronounced like Day-ku, then you’re good. Dah-ku, which means something along the lines of ‘to give butt’ (weird, I know) in Portuguese, would maybe be off putting. But hey, he lives in Australia, how many people are going to connect the two together? Not many, I don’t think.
Thanks for giving the opinion of someone who knows some Portuguese.
I’m not actually sure how Daku is pronounced. I think (based on usual pronunciation) it would be said like DAK-oo, but I’m sure the parents could pronounce it whichever way they want.
This is why I didn’t share my name with very many people. I LOVED the name I had chosen for very similiar reasons as these parents. My chosen name has very special meanings, I love everything about it, so I wasn’t going to be talked out of it. Now that he is here, I love the name more each day. It’s a biblical name that is not currently overly used (although it is on the rise and I’m praying it won’t hit the popularity of Aiden, Brayden, Tyler proportions). When I explain the meanings behind it, people often become even more fond of the name. I’ve had people ask me again later, “What is it your son’s name means? That is so neat.”. As far as it sounding like an older slang term, there are gobs of names that sound like or rhyme with words that have negative connotations. I ask myself how current these terms are, and how much I’m willing to let that change my mind. I liked the name Tucker, but I just couldn’t do it. Do you want your son to have a name that gives him his own identity and makes him unique, but not Yooneek; or do you want him to be John X or Michael Y and have the same name every other little boy has? I wanted to name my son, I didn’t need others to do it for me. I like the name you’ve picked out, and the story with the meaning is absolutely adorable!! Stick with it!!! If you are that much in love with the name, you will be thankful you did! If you let your family choose the name, there may be resentment later when you still don’t fall in love with a more common name. Are you of Portuguese decent or live in an area fluent in the language? If not, I would dismiss that concern, especially since it seems to be dated slang. It’s your son, you give him a name that you feel connected to, will cherish forever, and has a great story behind, which this one does! Best wishes! Cheers!
Thanks for sharing your story, KP, and for the cheery words of support for the expectant couple. Once you fall in love with the perfect name, it’s very hard to let go.
Firstly I just want to say what a wonderful commentary you have given on this issue and what great advice you have given (while not actually giving specific advice/opinion).
I have given both of my children unusual names. The first comes from another language that we have no heritage in (German). I have to admit I didn’t realise how I would feel in continually getting questioned “are you German”, “no”, “oh then what made you choose a German name?”. The fact that so many people ask me this has got me wondering why we did choose this name!? The fact is that we just really like German names: our top 3 girls names were all German: Elke, Freja & Gretel. I don’t have a special story to tell about a trip to Germany (only been there for work!) or a German relative, or even that we wanted a name that meant a certain thing and found that in a German name. We just liked it. I have begun to question whether ‘just liked it’ is enough of a reason through the constant questioning from others.
Although like was said above, we do get an equal number of people who say “LOVE the name” which makes me feel great. We liked it because we felt it was sweet but quirky with a happy feel. We chose our son’s name because it had the same feel, only this time we went with a very English name – but it feels sweet and quirky. Ironically we get the same questions about ‘where did we pull that name from?’ about my son’s name even though it’s English so I guess you can’t please anyone/everyone!
SO! I guess what I am saying is, as long as you a re happy with your reasons for choosing the name then I am sure you will not regret the name. Just think carefully about the fact that you will be justifying the name several times a week for the rest of your lives 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story, Margot. I’m a bit taken aback that even a German name is so exotic that people are inclined to ask lots of questions about it, so good to be prepared I guess!